Written By: Mariaan Du Plessis Relationship Facilitation

Communication in Relationships: Speaking Clearly and Listening to Understand

Why can communication feel so difficult?

Most couples communicate throughout the day. They discuss work, schedules, children, household responsibilities, and what needs to happen next. Yet important feelings and needs can remain unspoken.

This is because communication involves more than exchanging information. It also involves expressing yourself clearly, listening carefully, and checking whether you have understood each other correctly.

Two people can hear the same words and interpret them very differently.

Past experiences, stress, tone of voice, timing, and expectations all influence how a message is received.

I’m Mariaan Du Plessis, a certified Prepare & Enrich relationship facilitator. Communication is one of the areas I explore with couples because the way we speak and listen affects almost every other part of a relationship.

Unspoken thoughts and feelings can easily go unnoticed.

It is natural to hope that the person closest to you will simply know what you need. You may think, “I shouldn’t have to ask,” particularly when the need feels obvious to you.

But what feels obvious to one partner may not be obvious to the other.

One person may experience quality time as sitting together at the end of the day. The other may feel connected only when you have a focused conversation without phones or distractions. Neither person is necessarily wrong, but an unspoken difference can easily become disappointment.

Clear communication means allowing your partner to understand what you are feeling and what you need. It replaces assumptions with information and gives your partner something meaningful to respond to.

Communicating openly without blaming.

Difficult conversations can easily start with words like:

“You never make time for me.”

“You don’t listen.”

“You always leave everything to me.”

These words often come from a real place of hurt, disappointment, or frustration. But words like “always” and “never” can make your partner feel blamed or attacked. Instead of focusing on the issue, the conversation can quickly turn into defending, explaining, or arguing about what happened.

A more helpful approach is to speak about your own feelings, needs, and experience, rather than telling your partner what they do wrong.

For example, instead of saying:

“You never make time for me.”

You could say:

“I’ve been missing our time together. Can we plan an evening just for the two of us?”

This doesn’t mean the conversation will always be easy. It simply gives your partner a clearer understanding of what you are feeling and what you need, without making them feel they must defend themselves first.

“Listening is about understanding, not just responding.”

When a conversation becomes tense, it’s easy to listen while already thinking about what you’re going to say next. You may be hearing the words but missing what your partner is really trying to tell you.

Sometimes your partner isn’t looking for an immediate answer or solution. They simply want to feel heard and understood.

Try giving them the space to explain how they experienced the situation before sharing your own perspective. You can even check that you’ve understood by saying, “So what I’m hearing is…”

Understanding your partner doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say. It simply says, “I can understand why this felt that way for you.”

When both partners feel heard, the conversation often becomes less defensive and more open. And once you understand each other better, it becomes much easier to find a way forward together.

 “What can get in the way of understanding each other?”

Sometimes it’s not what you talk about, but how and when you talk about it.

Trying to talk when you’re tired, distracted, rushed, or already stressed can make even a small issue feel much bigger. The way something is said your tone, facial expression, or body language can also affect how your partner hears it.

Some common things that can get in the way are:

•   Choosing a time when one or both of you are already tired and distracted
•   Assuming you know what your partner meant instead of asking
•   Interrupting or getting caught up in small details
•   Jumping straight into giving advice or trying to fix the problem
•   Bringing up several old disagreements at once
•   Trying to prove that you are right instead of trying to understand each other

Noticing these patterns isn’t about finding someone to blame. It’s about becoming more aware of what happens between you as a couple.

Small changes can shift the conversation

Healthy communication doesn’t mean you’ll never get frustrated or say the wrong thing. It’s about learning how to find your way back to each other when things become difficult.

A few small changes can make a big difference:

•       Slow down and focus on one issue at a time.
•       Speak from your own experience rather than assuming what your partner is thinking or feeling.
•       Choose the right time when you can both be present and give each other your attention.
•       Listen without interrupting and allow each other to finish speaking.
•       Check that you’ve understood before responding. A simple, “Have I understood you correctly?” can prevent misunderstandings.

These may seem like small things, but they can change the tone of a conversation and create more space for both partners to feel heard, understood, and safe to be honest.

The goal is not to communicate perfectly

No couple communicates all the time perfectly. Stress, emotions, and different communication styles can easily lead to misunderstandings.

The goal isn’t to avoid disagreements. It’s to understand each other better, recognise your patterns and know how to reconnect when things become difficult.

Prepare & Enrich helps you do just that. The personalised assessment highlights your strengths, differences, and areas that may need attention, while guided sessions give you the space to talk, understand, and grow together.

Because the better you understand each other, the stronger your foundation for marriage can be.

Ready to communicate and connect more deeply?

Sometimes, a different conversation is all it takes

If you find yourselves having the same conversations and ending up frustrated, it may be time to pause and look at what is happening between you.

My role is not to take sides or decide who is right. I create a warm, confidential, and supportive space where both partners can feel heard, understand each other better, and learn practical ways to communicate differently.

A complimentary 15-minute introductory call allows you to ask questions, learn more about Prepare & Enrich, and see whether the process feels right for you as a couple.

Book your complimentary 15-minute introductory call with Mariaan.

Face-to-face sessions are available by appointment in Strand and the Helderberg area, as well as in the Cape Town Northern Suburbs on Wednesdays.

Phone: +27 72 071 7748
Email: admin@mariaan-duplessis.co.za
Website: https://mariaan-duplessis.co.za/